Moses and the Palestine problem

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

The Israeli Consul began:

"Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...

When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt, he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts...

The people became thirsty and needed water.

So, Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water.

And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.

Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen...

And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."

Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams:

"This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"

"And with that in mind", said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..."

Almost Perfect

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Israel.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty.

It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches."

God continued:

"And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the inhabitants to prosper.

I shall call these inhabitants ‘Jews’ and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you’re being too generous to these Jews?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

Collection for Israel

A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million dollar in $10 notes.

"Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"

"Well, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I went to New York, I went to London, I went to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As soon as I arrived, I went into all the cubicles where the men were peeing and I say to them, "Give me $10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles with my knife."

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"

"Well, you know," said Sam, shaking his head, "not everyone likes Israel..."

Reason to live

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I" he asked.

I replied, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?" he asked.

I said, "Well,... are you Jewish or a Goy?"

"Jewish," he replied.

I said, "Me too! Are you Orthodox or Reform?"

He answered, "Orthodox."

I said, "Me too! Are you Charedi or Modern?"

He said, "Charedi."

I said, "Me too! Are you Litvish or Chassidishe?"

He answered, "Litvish."

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Litvish Yerushalmi or Litvish B'nai-Braker?"

He said, "A Litvish Yerushalmi!"

I said, "Me too! Are you a Litvish Yerushalmi Mussarnik or are you a Litvish Yerushalmi Brisker?"

He said, "a Litvish Yerushalmi Mussarnik!"

I said, "Me too! Are you a Litvish Yerushalmi Mussarnik Slobodkaniker or a Litvish Yerushalmi Mussarnik Kelmer"

He said, "Litvish Yerushalmi Mussarnik Slobodkaniker!"

I said, "Apikoires" and pushed him off the bridge.

Dangerous Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most ofus sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germsin our drinking water."

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat.

Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in thef ront row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Friends

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it!!!???" he yells.

"That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein.!" ;

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming.

"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

Miracle Shmiracle

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent overin half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hourwalking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said:

"It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect.What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle Shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

Comfortable

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital.

A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says:

"Mr. Gevarter,are you comfortable?"

Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."

A divine parking place

Joseph is driving to work.

He's late for a meeting, looking for a parking place and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says:

"God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat, and all the holidays."

At that moment, a place opens up just in front of him.

He turns his face up to heaven and says:

"Never mind, I just found a spot."

Oy

Three Jewish women get together for lunch.

As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."

The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."

The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently:

"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

A letter

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.

Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:

"shmuck."

At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced:

"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names,

but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name....

and forgot to write a letter.

Evening prayer

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer.

He realized he didn't have his head covered...

so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.

Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.

The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"

to which Henry exclaimed,"What, am I my brother's kipah?"

Tradition

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shemaprayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do.

His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 yearold man who was one of the original founders of their temple.

The rabbi hoped The elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing ho me with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sitduring Shema!"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"