Dangerous Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most ofus sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germsin our drinking water."

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat.

Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in thef ront row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Friends

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it!!!???" he yells.

"That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein.!" ;

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming.

"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

Miracle Shmiracle

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent overin half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hourwalking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said:

"It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect.What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle Shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

Comfortable

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital.

A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says:

"Mr. Gevarter,are you comfortable?"

Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."

A divine parking place

Joseph is driving to work.

He's late for a meeting, looking for a parking place and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says:

"God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat, and all the holidays."

At that moment, a place opens up just in front of him.

He turns his face up to heaven and says:

"Never mind, I just found a spot."

Oy

Three Jewish women get together for lunch.

As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."

The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."

The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently:

"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

A letter

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.

Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:

"shmuck."

At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced:

"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names,

but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name....

and forgot to write a letter.